I wonder…..if it was the right attitude…

I thought the Standard Chartered KL Marathon 2010 (SCKLM) which will take place this Sunday (June 27) would be my very first (and only?) running race but no...because last Saturday I took part in Larian Go Green for 7.5km distance organized by MKLand. That turned out to be my first ever running race!

K, AL and I came to know about this Larian Go Green by chance when we were resting after doing our weekly 20 loops (lie!) run at TTDI Park. “Nah, bakar lemak tu!” was what the abang said when he handed us the forms. Grrrr! So anyway, I was thinking...this would be a good training for me for my 10km SCKLM, it’s not a 'serious' but a ‘fun run’ race and the registration fee was only RM15, so…why not! I set a goal for this - to complete the race regardless of how long it would take me to do so.

The night before the race, I told myself I must get enough sleep. But I was tossing and turning maybe until half 3 and the next thing I knew the alarm went off at 5.45am. After the 2nd snooze button, I finally got up at 6.15am. Tummy didn’t feel so good. Oh no! I got attacked by the ‘Japanese’! What a bloody experience! ‘F#*k!’ My 1st curse word of the day! Should I back out? I decided not to. So, I showered, got dressed and made myself a cuppa. I didn’t eat any breakfast because I didn’t want to have a stomach ache later. Having cramps was already bad enough. But you can bet, my tummy was growling then.

I reached Damansara Perdana about 7am and met up with K and AL. The first thing I told AL, “After the race, let’s have roti canai!” Eheh! I changed into my oversized race t-shirt. I wasn’t sure if I could run comfortably wearing a baggy t-shirt but for the spirit of the Larian Go Green, what the heck! We were supposed to meet up with another two friends, N and AZ but after 15 minutes of waiting, we decided to hop on the shuttle bus that took us to the start line to join hundreds (around 250 - 300, maybe) other runners.

There were some ‘hard-core’ runners with their serious looking compression pants and/or tops and some were wearing the runners’ singlets from races or marathons that they had participated in. And then there were ‘just-for-the-fun-of-it’ runners, obligingly wearing the official Larian Go Green race t-shirts, like yours truly. And Oh! There were also a few African runners that would make you think, “That’s it! There goes my chance!” But regardless of who and what, the atmosphere was exciting.

N and AZ finally appeared and joined us, just in time to do the warm-ups. Music was blasting on the loudspeakers. They even played the Wonder Girls’ “Nobodi…nobodi..but chu” song to hype up the mood! A girl on loud hailer led the runners with warm-ups exercises. Some followed and some thought they were way too cool to follow (and I was one of them!) Quite an amusing sight that was! I imagined Aunt Ros was there in her red tee with that odious matching hairband, shaking her booty.... “Badan sihat, hati senang! 1Malaysia Sihat! Yo!” Oops!

Finally, the VIPs arrived. Speech was given, said our prayers, sang ‘Negaraku’ and at about 8.20am, the horns were blown. First, for the Women’s Veteran 6.5km, followed by for Men’s Veteran 6.5km, then for my category - Women’s Open 7.5km and lastly for Men’s Open 7.5km.

Some runners took off like crazy at the start. As I’m a newbie in running races and I have no professional training like William Hung would say, I wasn’t sure if taking off fast was the right technique but I knew I shouldn’t blow all my energy in the first few kilometres. Anyway, the first 500m (or was it 1km?) was going downhill, so, what’s the rush?

By the way, here’s a disclaimer: All distances or running time mention in this post are my own estimations. I don't accept any responsibility that may arise when the value reported here is incorrect. Also, I may or may not use the right running jargon. I’m a newbie. So, please excuse me!

Anyway, so AL and I ran at a steady pace for a good 1.5 km (could be less, could be more.) And then AL decided to walk for a bit. Chest pain, if I remember correctly was what she told me. She told me to go ahead. I just hoped that she would be alright. So, I continued running on my own until I reached the first water station.

“Wah! This is good! I’m not even that thirsty yet!” I took a quick sip, anyway, threw the paper cup to the ground and continued running. I felt like a pro already! Cheh! I think not even 1km ahead, there was another water station. I thought to myself, “Wow! Not bad! They have water stops every 1 km! I thought I heard it loud and clear this morning that the emcee said there would be three water stations? It must be more, then!” Well, whatever, it’s only my first race and I didn’t know what to expect, anyway. At the second water station, I realized, my running mentor, K, was not far behind me. Aiek! Suddenly I had the urge to compete and be ahead of him. My ‘kiasu’-ness kicked in! Muahhahaha! So, I took the paper cup and quickly gulped some water (and almost choked!), threw the cup like a seasoned runner once again and started to quicken my pace, giving no chance for K to catch up.

When I reached the main road in front of Metropolitan Square, I started to walk because it was going uphill. Here, I tried to stabilize my breathing...breathing deeply and slowly...the basic Yoga way (Like real!). As I reached the corner, I started to run again, going towards Flora Damansara, a landmark where we would turn back and head towards the finish line. Little did I know that it was one hell of a long road to reach the corner to turn back. I didn't want to push myself too hard, so I took a few walking breaks along the road.

I saw some runners running on the opposite road. They had made the turning. Damn! But those were the ‘real’ runners! You could tell from their outfits and their…err..err..legs. I struggled to keep up with the runners ahead of me. Quite a number of them were no longer running but walking. My kiasu-ness kicked in again. I started to look for ‘victims’ to overtake. And when I succeeded, I would smile to myself. Evil smile. And then a few meters ahead, I saw her! A small sized girl running wearing just Mary-Jane Crocs!!! (Mary-Jane or Malindi, whatever!) What the hell?!! Here I am running with proper running shoes and she’s not but she is ahead of me!!? This can’t be happening, I told myself. I quicken my pace, hoping I could run pass her but “Mary-Jane” was faster. Oh well!

I slowed down my pace and eventually started walking. I made the turning and was now on the trail towards the finish line. By now, the sun was glaring down. My mouth was getting dryer. I was effing thirsty! Water station was nowhere to be seen. I was cursing and cursing to myself, cursing the organizer for not being thoughtful enough to put the water stations every 1km! And then I saw “Mary-Jane” again. This time, she was walking with both hands on her hips. She was exhausted. Yes! My chance to run pass her had arrived. *Ting!* I turned on my kiasu mode! No, I didn’t dash like a mad woman but I ran slow and steady, hiding my own tiredness and moved by her, very swiftly. Well, I gotta do it in style! 100m apart, I let out a slow “Kah! Kah! Kah!”

Then I felt a piercing pain in my chest. I was so dehydrated. I started walking again and then there it was: the third and the last water station! Thank God! I think it was at the same place as the second water station or maybe the first. Yes, it was that far! A woman handed me a cup of water and I just had to be a bitch and said to her “Apasal jauh sangat?!” She just smiled. I didn’t expect to get an answer, anyway. I thanked her, nevertheless. I didn’t forget my manners despite how exhausted and upset I was.

I decided to just walk to enjoy every sip of the water. Heaven! I briefly chatted with a fellow runner and bitched about how far the last water station was. He totally agreed with me. And then he told me we were just about 200m away from the finish line. So, I told him, “Come! Let’s run then!” He told me to go ahead. I did. It sure felt longer than 200m to me. Then the same guy caught up with me. And towards the last 50m before the finish line, I brilliantly suggested to him, let’s sprint or (did I say let’s do the fartlek?) And we raced towards the finish line and we hi-fived immediately after we crossed it! Yippee Yay Yeay! I completed my first running race of 7.5km in (about) 45 minutes! I DID IT! *Clap*Clap*

Approximately 10 minutes later, K, arrived at the finish line. Wah! I actually beat my running mentor in my first ever running race! (Sorry, K, I had to mention it!) Now, where’s AL? I started to feel guilty for leaving her behind. Maybe she fainted or something, the thought was playing in my mind. 20 minutes later, I saw her at the finish line. Phew! Well done, sis! We then rewarded ourselves with a well-deserved breakfast at the mamak, together with N & AZ (who ‘disqualified’ themselves halfway through the race). And I had my roti canai. *Burp*

I wonder if being kiasu was the right attitude to have in a running race. I think I was just being kiasu to myself and not towards the other runners. I didn’t step on anyone’s foot (not literally). I set my personal aims (or targets!) and it was all about giving what I had to give in that moment and it did help me to work hard all the way to the finish line.

I wonder…if I would have the same attitude (and energy) for the race this Sunday. We shall see!

I wonder…..if you would leave me alone…

Dear You,

Why do you keep coming back to me? Why do you have to appear again and again in my life? Why come back whenever I try to look for a new love elsewhere? Why are you being selfish? Why are you being unfair? Why are you so cruel to me? You've left me and why do you want me back now?

When we were together, I gave you my undivided attention. I pampered you, I took care of you. I loved you for what you were. But all I got in return from you was pain. And I became numb with the pain because you kept on hurting me over and over again. I knew deep inside me, our love was not meant to be. And I know, you knew that, too. You can never be loyal. I have stayed with you for so long and I have forgiven your fooling around over the years.

Yes, I do miss you sometimes especially when I’m bored and lonely. I long for you. I try to look for you. I want to touch you. Caress you. Hold you. Squeeze you. But I try to refrain myself from going back to you because I know….I know I will get hurt again. You come and you go as you please. And when you leave, you will only leave ugly scars in my life. But all I want from you now is to leave me alone! Go, go look for other girls or guys, for all I care! Just leave me alone…..dear pimple!

Eheh! Did I make you wonder, my dear friends? Sorry! I was that bored!

I wonder…..if I die…

Sounds suicidal? Nah! It’s nothing like that.

A couple of days ago, I posed a question to some of my close friends – “If I asked you to describe me in one word, what would it be?” Yes, I only asked my close friends as they would say the sweetest honest things. If I asked any of my ex boyfriends or those I had worked under or who have worked under me, then that would be…errr..err…errr…a different story.

Anyway, allow me to analyze each answer I received. To potential boyfriend(s) out there, treat this as Lesson 101 on Suzie! Err…it can be a major turn off, too. Whatever!

• P says GreatHeart – Two words combined as one. I believe everybody has a good heart unless if he is a merciless psycho criminal mofo who beats up or kills or rapes another life, whether a human or an animal. Everyone is a good person until proven otherwise. Every religion teaches men to be good to others. I try to be good. I try not to hurt or harm others - physically, mentally or emotionally....intentionally. I try to help others if it’s within my means and capabilities. I try to treat others with fairness and empathy. I try to be respectful and considerate. I try (and I’m struggling) to be non-judgmental.

• AL says NotFake – Another two words combined as one. She could have just said 'real'. Anyways, I guess, what you see is what you get from me. I don’t pretend to be something or someone I am not. I don’t fool others into liking me. I don’t hide my weaknesses. I don’t hide my stupidity (probably from my bosses and clients only) and I don’t hide my wit and wisdom either. I don’t pretend that I’m happy neither do I pretend that I’m sad. I don't pretend to like if I dislike something or someone (tho' in some situations I had to and you'd know I was pretending!) Faking is a waste of time and energy. Hmm…that didn’t sound quite right, eh? Whatever!

• J says Partner – I try to be a friend that my friends can depend on to get our/their shit done. I try to be a good confidante. I try…opps… I make sure your secrets are safe with me. I do crazy things with you (only) if it doesn’t risk my life. I try to be your shoulder to cry on. I hold your hand when you're scared (tho' I might run away if I'm scared myself!) I try not to get bored when you talk cock. I try to make myself useful (whenever I’m not in a lazy mode). I try to be there for you whenever you need me.

• K says Selective – I admit I can be quite selective. I choose to do things only if it works in my favour. Selfish, one would say. Maybe. I only do things or go to places or see people if it is worth my time and effort AND within my means and capabilities. Is that wrong? I don’t simply do something just to please others.

• K also says Thoughtful – I am a strong believer of the golden rule - treat others as you want to be treated. Period.

• K and F say Sexy (in a way)/Sexxxy – I might be sexy (roll eyes now, please!) WHEN I was younger when the body was slimmer, the skin was tighter, the hair was thicker and the breastfriends were not pointing south (just for the record, they are still looking forward)! But I’ve grown sideways over the years and I don’t wear (too) revealing clothes (beachwear excluded) and I don’t speak in a soft/sexy/melodic female tone. Like beauty, sexy is in the eye of the beholder….I guess.

• N and AZ say Agrocentric/Cranky – Everyone has mood swings. Some may choose to show it, some may not. I’m the former. Which I think is not good, sometimes. Yes, I have PMS 24/7 so sue me! I get agitated easily. When I’m cranky, just shut up or leave me alone for awhile and I will be fine. If you don’t leave me alone, I will leave you….just to cool myself down. As simple as that. By the way, agrocentric is a word created by a fellow agrocentric friend, N. It simply means angry-centred (?).

• G and D say Garang/Firm – I get this a lot. Sometimes it makes me wonder….why?! Is it because I hardly smile and that makes me unapproachable? Is being firm, knowing what I want makes me garang? I thought I’m the sweetest soft spoken timid demure submissive kinda girl? No? Ok, move on. Nexxxttt!

• L says (Unshamedly) Frank – Yes, I can be brutally honest or straightforward but only with my family and good friends. Sometimes my frankness may hurt their feelings but it is never my intention to hurt. If it is wrong, I won’t say it is right. If it is ugly, I won’t say it is pretty. I won’t say it is brilliant if it is stupid. If I have nothing nice (or honest) to say, I just shut the eff up. But sometimes, I can’t resist blurting it out if I really can’t stand your foolishness. Bad, eh?

• PC says Loveable – Aawww! To refrain myself from blowing my own trumpet, I shall not elaborate on this description. Eheh!

• M says Crazy – If I see an old man walking on the street with a walking stick, I will approach him and kick his walking stick. No, I’m not that crazy and cruel. If you’re in the car with me, all of a sudden I would scream my lung out. Oh! Just for the fun of it. Is that crazy? Is being goofy and acting like a clown crazy? I don’t care as long as it cracks my friends up. Like the song….I’m not crazy I’m just a li’l insane. And when I’m insane, I’m the funniest person to be with. So I think.

• LG says Armadillo – Armadillo in Spanish means “little armored one”. It’s an ugly creature ‘tho. Is it because it’s ugly, LG? Haih! Or is it, hard on the outside and soft in the inside? Maybe. For those who may not know, “Armadillos have hard plates that cover their back, sides and top of their head. These hard plates protect them from attacks from other animals. All armadillos curl up to protect their soft underside. Armadillos can jump up to 3 feet straight up into the air to startle a predator. Also, when the armadillo jumps up he may hit his predator in the mouth with his hard armor and dislocate the predator's jaw.” I like this metaphor. No need to explain further.

So, if God decided to take my life earlier than He has originally planned it to happen, is this how my friends would remember me? Maybe.

I think, when I die I just want my family and close friends to remember me as a no-nonsense but funny person who had her heart in the right place. But I believe He wants me to live a little bit longer in this world, giving me chances to make amends and be a better person. InsyaAllah.

Have you ever wondered when you die how do you want to be remembered? I suggest you wonder now because you can’t wonder when you’re dead ‘cos you’re dead! Du-uh! Just for fun…go wonder!

I wonder…..if the grass is greener on the other side…

Standing on the grass on my married girlfriends' side of the fence, they would say they envy me because I’m single and I lead a carefree life. I can go wherever…travel the world (not that I travel that much), my money is my own (but I’m always broke, FYI), I don’t answer to no one (just my mum – sometimes), I don’t have to deal with mom-in-law from hell or deal with nosy extended family (thank God!), I have no curfew (hell yeah!), I can have my ME time whenever (but of course!), I don’t have to tolerate with another person’s bad habits, moodiness or nagging (phew!), I only have to wash and iron my own clothes (my sis would beg to differ ‘cos she washes my clothes!), I don’t have to fight over the remote (only with my nephews!), I can sleep all day if I want to (bliss!) and blah blah blah. The bottom line is to them I'm livin la vida loca! With no guilt, that is!

Standing on the grass on this side of the fence, I envy my married girlfriends because they have husbands and kids to come home to, never having to be alone, being with the men they love for the rest of their lives (err...God's willing), regular (if not better) sex, sharing expenses (or only the hub bears it!), having husbands to come to the rescue when their cars break down, buying the handbags/shoes they want without forking out their own savings (biatch!), husbands who listen (if only!) and give them a hug (if she's lucky!) when they have a lousy day at work, kids to take care of them when they are old and blah blah blah. Not many examples I could give there simply because I never (or haven't) stepped my foot on the grass that side. Du-uh! But to me, their life is complete! It may not be all perfect but it’s complete.

But, single or married, everyone has their personal problems/issues to deal with. Some may choose to vent their anger and frustration on Twitter or Facebook (nowadays!). Some may choose to bother the shit outta their close friends and share their problems. Some are living in fool’s paradise…going through life pretending that they are happy with the way their life is. And some are just content with the way things are. Lucky them!

Whatever it is no one is happy all the time. You’re abnormal if you are! We all know life has its ups and downs. There are good days, there are bad days. And things do not always happen the way we want it to be. We, humans, are never satisfied, aren’t we? Sometimes we like to blow things out of proportions. Sometimes we simply like to turn a nothing to become a something and then that something becomes an issue.

So when something becomes an issue…..we wonder. We wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? Is it really greener? Ever come across this quote? “If grass is greener on the other side...you can bet the water bill is higher!”

Happy wondering, my dear friends!

I wonder…..if I will ever find love…

Finding love…..Ahhh….The favourite topic among the singles, eh? It’s definitely one of (I won’t say… favourite but) the regular topics I have with my bff, J, and with my bestie, P. We talk about it but we don’t dwell over it. (Err…am not so sure about J, tho’. Eheh!)

So, I’m in my 30’s and I’m single! I’ve never been married and I don’t have any kids (du-uh!). Does that make me a L-O-S-E-R in life? Who are you to judge, anyway?

Why am I single? Simple answer – I haven’t found the right person. What does that mean, anyway? The right person? You meet someone, there’s chemistry and you hit it off and that makes him the right person? And then as you go along, you realize that things don’t work out the way you plan/want it to be and suddenly Mr Right becomes Mr Wrong?! Okay, correction - I haven’t met the person who gives me that feeling of knowing when things are right. Am I making sense? Ah! Whatever!

To be honest, when you are in your 30's, the dating pool has become shallow and it is even challenging to find someone. Even more difficult for someone who is lazy to meet new people and go out on dates, like...yours truly! The 'comforting' words that you might have heard before, "The good ones are already taken/married!" Are you sure? Are you sure the married ones are always the good ones? Eheh! Just a random thought there!

Anyways…. So, yeah, when you are in your 30’s, single and (maybe) looking, you look for a man that can provide you with MORE than just LOVE! Eff that bullshit that love conquers all! Come on, get real! I’m sure most single women (especially) my age want a man that can provide her the mental and emotional stabilities on top of the undivided love (+ trust + respect + faith and out-of-this-world sex….yes, we, women are demanding!) Physical and intellectual chemistry must also exist. Above all, the man must be able to lead and to guide me to a better path in life, spiritually. Of course. See? Not easy to find such a man, eh?

And Oh! Financial stability is equally important. Hey, we are fighting against our biological clock, aren’t we? Isn’t it every girl’s dream to become a mommy? Okay, not all but most! My biological clock is no more ticking, it’s BANGING! If I can’t become pregnant the natural way (by the way, Madonna became pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby at the age of what 39, 40? There’s still hope!) then I’d probably need to go for IVF or IUI treatment and that can cost lotsa moolah! (Do the treatment, get twin shot and then close shop - SETTLED!) And one needs a man/husband who can bloody afford to pay for such treatment (on top of providing us with big house(s), car(s), endless shopping and globetrotting)! So, yes, I need a man who is financially stable, too! (Read: Billionaire!)

Another random thought - My religion should tweak the law and allows Artificial Insemination for women who are not so lucky in finding husbands, like me, eh? "Oh, what a waste!" was what my gynae said seeing so many healthy eggs swimming around when she did abdominal ultra-sound on me! I kid you not! Forgive me God! It’s just my usual propensity to over-analyze the shit outta things! Anyway, if it’s not fated for me to become a mommy, it’s okay. I have 7 nephews and nieces plus another bun in my sister’s oven. They are like my own kids and I love each of them dearly. And they better look after me when I’m old and dying (and if I'm still single then!)

Yes, I’m single but I’m not desperate. Being desperate and needy is so not cool! Period. I’ve sort of trained myself to not be so caught up with the issue of finding love. I’ve grown quite accustomed to being single. (Is that sad?!) Well, if I happen to get lucky to find someone worth my while (even if he’s not a billionaire), then great! If it doesn't happen, oh well….I’m not going to bang my head on the wall and go cuckoo over it. God made men in pairs. Maybe it is not the right time yet for me to meet my pair. Or maybe I’ve met him. Maybe we're not fated to be together. Whatever it is, I believe, He has a better plan in store for me and while He’s working on the plan, I’ll be focusing on living my life to the fullest!

I wonder….sometimes…if I will ever find love. InsyaAllah!